There are countries that travel efficiently. And then there’s Switzerland: A nation that supposedly invented efficiency but somehow lost it completely at Zurich Airport.
Welcome to the Security Check Museum
The experience begins with a trip back in time. Two entire floors of passengers obediently packing their liquids into tiny plastic bags, unpacking laptops, removing belts, and fumbling with keys. Meanwhile, in Portugal, Spain, or Germany, modern scanners allow you to keep everything in your bag. Walk through, done in seconds.
Not in Zurich. Zurich proudly runs on retro technology from the cassette era. Where others rely on automation, Zurich relies on chaos. Maybe that’s the new “Swiss Premium” standard: Equal stress for everyone, efficiently delivered.
Boarding, Swiss Style: A Masterclass in Inefficiency
Once you survive the security marathon, the next highlight awaits: Boarding. No airline on Earth manages to make this process slower. Swiss has turned a simple act of getting on a plane into a ceremonial endurance test, a psychological warm-up for the inevitable delay that follows.
And of course, even if you already confirmed during online check-in that you’re fit to handle the emergency exit row, you’ll be asked the same questions again at the gate. All of this, of course, with the boarding process being denied and the necessity of contacting the staff. Because repetition is the Swiss way of showing care.
The Grand Finale: Bus Tour to Nowhere
The adventure peaks upon arrival. Naturally, you don’t get a fingerdock – that would be far too convenient (and possibly cost two euros more). After landing, passengers first get the full Swiss experience: A solid fifteen minutes sitting in a sealed aircraft while ground staff apparently debate whether a staircase actually exists. Because, really… Who could have known the plane would land?
Swiss treats you to a scenic detour across the tarmac: Parking at the farthest possible corner of the airport, waiting for that elusive staircase to be mounted, and then finally boarding the bus that begins your exclusive terminal sightseeing tour through the entire airport, only to drop you off at the wrong terminal and the exit that’s farthest from the trains, taxis, and reality itself.
Lufthansa Laughs – Swiss Pays the Bill
Here’s the part most people forget: Swiss belongs to the Lufthansa Group. And guess what? The real profit engine of Lufthansa isn’t Lufthansa at all. It’s Swiss. The whole group’s margins come from Zurich, squeezed out of passengers who pay premium prices for a non-premium experience. No fingerdock, no comfort, no generosity – just relentless cost-cutting with a smile.
Swiss has perfected the art of corporate cynicism: Maximum yield with minimum charm. Don’t pay for a seat? Don’t worry, you’ll get one anyway. The very last one. Somewhere in the back. In what feels less like an airplane and more like a flying muesli bus.
Swiss Premium? Only in the Brochure.
Switzerland loves to call itself a high-tech country. But in aviation, it’s a museum piece. A land of missed opportunities wrapped in national pride. Zurich Airport stands as a monument to complacency, and Swiss has become the poster child of mediocrity disguised as excellence.
Maybe that is the true Swissness after all: Perfect inefficiency. Punctual delays. Technological nostalgia – proudly presented as progress.
Just my 5 Cents.
//Alex
alexreusch 