Swiss Airlines: Flying the Friendly Skies of Mediocrity

Ah, Swiss Airlines. Once the proud bearer of Alpine precision and Swiss chocolate-fueled efficiency, now seemingly a masterclass in how to frustrate even the most zen of travelers. Booking with Swiss is like entering into a Faustian bargain—except you don’t get unlimited power, just unlimited waiting.

Let’s start with the gate experience. Swiss has perfected the art of gate selection, ensuring you’ll need a Sherpa and a flare gun to reach it. They find the farthest, dingiest gate in the airport, so far away that you might as well walk to your destination. It’s as if they want you to have time to reflect on all your life choices, especially the one where you thought flying Swiss was a good idea.

If by some miracle you’re lucky enough to board through a jet bridge, consider it a rare luxury—because Swiss frequently opts for remote stands located somewhere in Siberia. Most passengers are then herded onto overcrowded buses. Because why use a jet bridge when you can simulate the experience of taking public transport? After what feels like a scenic tour of the airport, you finally reach your plane. While even budget airlines manage to secure jet bridges, Swiss delivers an experience that feels more like economy on steroids, despite the premium price tag.

And how could we forget their pièce de résistance—the boarding process? Swiss has turned this into an art form of inefficiency. They divide passengers into an absurd number of boarding groups. Naturally, you’re always in the last one, waiting for what feels like an eternity. Once it’s your turn, you’re funneled onto the plane, where the real chaos begins. Passengers, particularly those seated in the front rows, seem to interpret “boarding” as a perfect time to reorganize their life’s possessions, check emails, and maybe solve a Rubik’s Cube. Meanwhile, those in the back rows (you, of course) are left to awkwardly hover in the aisle, forced into a stop-and-go game of aisle limbo. Is it any wonder they can’t hit their departure slot when boarding alone eats up half the schedule?

Once aboard, Swiss continues its campaign of passive-aggressive torment. Got a standard ticket? Congratulations, you’ve won the privilege of middle seat purgatory. Unless, of course, you’re willing to pay for an upgrade. They’ll remind you of this in every email, every push notification, and possibly in your dreams. Free seating selection? Don’t be ridiculous—luxuries like that are reserved for airlines that want you to return.

And then we come to the “taxiway time.” They call it “unforeseen delays,” but after the third time you’re sitting on the tarmac for an hour with nothing to do but memorize the safety instructions, it feels more like a sick tradition. “Too much air traffic,” they say. Really? You didn’t see that coming? Zurich Airport’s airspace must be the Bermuda Triangle of European skies—planes can get in, but they can’t get out. Of course, if you’ve already wasted time with their inefficient boarding process, it’s no surprise that you’ve missed your slot. Meanwhile, other airlines seem to manage just fine. It’s only Swiss that can’t quite get it together, leaving you stuck while everyone else is cruising along.

And as the absolute cherry on top, there’s the “Oops, we lost a passenger” routine. A charming Swiss Airlines classic. After a nice runway sauna session, they announce, with an air of stunned surprise, that someone didn’t board. One wonders: Are these missing passengers a myth, conjured up to test our patience? Or did they escape to a better airline while we were all imprisoned on the plane? Either way, it’s a logistical marvel Swiss has yet to master.

But my personal favorite is the Swiss “Loyalty” Program, or as I like to call it, the “Miles to Nowhere” scheme. Every so often, they’ll dangle an enticing carrot: “You’re just X miles away from reaching the next level!” What they don’t tell you is that by the time you finally get there, your patience, dignity, and vacation days will be long gone. Until then, Swiss makes it clear that you’re not a priority. And don’t expect anything special in terms of seating or service until you’ve earned your “status.”

So, why does Swiss Airlines seem so determined to alienate its passengers? Are they conducting a psychological experiment? A misguided attempt at brand loyalty through shared suffering? Or is it simply hubris—relying on their national reputation to keep the planes full?

But hey, at least the chocolate is from Frey. 😂

//Alex